Who am I? I think I have finally worked it out!

Hmmmm, it’s been ages. I know it. I’ve been busy. After so few posts of late, if you are reading this, you are probably one of about three people to do so, me being one of them, so you are in great company.:)

I have so much to tell. This post may turn into a big rambling jumble of stuff that doesn’t make much sense, as is the nature of my head. 🙂 But, I have heaps to say….

This year has been SO crazy, and unless you have lived in SE QLD during the first half of this year, it is impossible to comprehend one bit. And, if you haven’t run in my circles and been privy to all of the energy that I have put into The Constellations Project for the past 6 months, then it is even more difficult to understand. But lets, just say, it has been a momentous year thus far, and one that my family and I will not forget in a hurry.

Now that things are *kinda* returning to normal, and I have had the opportunity to finally put some energy back into my “real” life and of course Love Bytes, I have felt a huge evolution happening within me. This year, I joined the AIPP. I think it has turned out to be perhaps, the most important thing I could have done for me as a photographer, and as a result, for my family too. Putting aside the workshops, the awards, the intensive learning curve, the amazing resources offered, the FANTASTIC new “family” and network that I am now privy to, and putting aside the new connections with like-minded people who possess talent that constantly blows me away, I have been so fortunate to discover another benefit from the AIPP. That of creativity.

As a mum of five kids under 13, I rarely have time to myself, and when I do, and I choose to do something “for” myself, I am wracked with the guilt of how self-indulgent this is. Finances are always a big struggle too. That goes without saying. Particularly to those of you who shared with us the heartbreaking experience that was the demise of our beloved Ankle Biters, back in 2009, you would really understand what I am referring to here. So, with the AIPP, has come the opportunity to spend some of this “self-indulgent” time for/on myself, attending workshops/events, whilst also developing myself professionally. I don’t feel *quite* so guilty doing this. 🙂 To some who attend these events, they appear to be routine and a chore. However, to me, I adore every minute of them. To be a part of a place and time dedicated to doing nothing but fostering creativity is an amazing gift for me, and one that I do not take lightly.

Whenever I attend an AIPP event, I return home, overflowing with ideas and motivation, and creativity! I am not a naturally creative person. I actually have to make a deliberate decision to “think” creatively. “Tan, come on, think outside the square here”, “Tan, you can do better than that, come up with something cool”, “Tan, that is nothing more than average, where is the wow factor?!” etc. Welcome to my head. 🙂

Truth is, that I quit photography to start Ankle Biters in 2006 because I felt that the weddings I was shooting at the time were becoming stale. I was burned out true, but I just couldn’t seem to fire up the creativity either. To be honest, I returned to photography full-time in at the end of 2009, for no other reason than because I “knew I could make money at it”, and after the Ankle Biters debacle, money was pretty much all we could think about at the time.

I’ve never *really* considered myself to actually be “much” of a photographer. I know that the technical stuff doesn’t come naturally to me, I am just not that way inclined. I have to really, consciously put my head into something when I decide that I need to learn it, or to overcome an obstacle, and it usually takes some time for the “penny to drop”.

I have always maintained that my “talent”, if any, is working with colour. My ability to see and manipulate colour has always seemed to me to be my point of difference. Well, that and my “gift of the gab”. It is true, that for some reason, people seem at ease with me. I know, my husband doesn’t get it either. 🙂

When I returned to photography, I had a young baby, a toddler and three older kids, all under 10 at the time. My world WAS children. So, it seemed natural to me to return a child photographer. My nerves are no longer up to weddings, I’ll leave that to the young hot shots whose egos can handle the battering that comes with the industry. Through Ankle Biters, I had an awesome business network available to me, especially as a result of my association with Connect2Mums. It opened immediate doors for me, I am so fortunate and grateful for this, and I pretty much immediately had a great clientele at hand. I styled my shoots heavily, and themed them too. There is nothing like a good themed/styled shoot! 🙂 I used A LOT of colour, this is, afterall, my talent – well so I thought. And things have been building nicely.

Then, comes along 2011. Talk about a spanner in the works!! For the first 5 months of the year, I basically cancelled every booking and let my paid work fall to the wayside as my heart went out to the flood affected families of The Lockyer Valley. I spent weeks and weeks out at Grantham, photographing and collating stories, and forging some wonderful, and hopefully lifelong friendships as I tried to help. It felt as though I was always destined to do this, as though everything in my life had been leading me to this point.

So, I designed this calendar, and I did a pretty nice job I reckon. The photography itself, isn’t anything revolutionary, but it tells their story in a way that I am proud of. Sadly, they haven’t sold many of the 14,000 that I had printed, but that’s another story. I still feel as though somehow, through my work out there, I have help people to summon the courage and resilience required to continue their lives after such a tragedy, and this alone makes it all worthwhile.

Wow, I did warn that this may end up as one big rambling post didn’t I?!

Through The Constellations Project, I have spent hundreds of hours driving too, giving me a lot of time for self examination. It also has meant that yet again, our family has had to struggle through a financial situation that is beyond tough. I haven’t had any kind of income for about 5 months, kinda makes it hard to feed 7 mouths, you know? Again, very self-indulgent on my behalf, but I think important life lessons to learn for my family, and a good example to set for them to be empathetic and socially conscious. So my “self examination” has brought me to a bit of a cross roads, and I have made some discoveries (and revolutions!) about myself that I had not expected.

1. I NEED to make a decent wage for my family. I can no longer charge below industry standard rates, and justify it by saying things like “It will be worth it as they might refer people to me”. My time as a mother is much too valuable, and my kids don’t deserve to miss out on “me” when we can’t afford to pay our bills.

2. I cannot make said “decent wage” if I am not offering a professional level service. I have been failing my clients and providing poor customer service this year due to being over committed to The Constellations Project. This must change.

3. I *think* I am actually a better photographer than I gave myself credit for, although, I am still trying to convince myself of this. Happy to wear the “tortured artist” tag until I come to some final conclusion here. 🙂

4. I might be “pretty good” at working with colour, and I might have the “gift of the gab”, but my *talent* is not here. Well, it *kind of* is, but it is a little more refined than this. See below.

5. I chose to return to photography as a children’s photographer because my world at the time revolved around children. It is kind of ironic that I always maintained that I was “SO not maternal” and that I “disliked other people’s kids”, as the BIG discovery I made about myself is that I ADORE kids. I mean I REALLY do love them. And this brings me to what I believe is my *real* talent. It goes beyond the “gift of the gab” or “making people feel at ease”. It is about CONNECTING, and more specifically, CONNECTING with children.

This year has taught me that when I am present, truly, really present, with a child, I am able to forge a genuine, heartfelt connection within seconds. It is a mutual thing. They seem to love me as much as I love them. I use the term “manipulate” a lot when I am discussing a photo shoot with a parent. I say “its a game of manipulation”, but “in a nice way”. Simply put, I am REALLY good at getting into the heads of the kids that I work with, and I cannot remember the last time that I left a shoot without goosebumps, or a tug of the heartstrings, or a tear in my eye, when I think of just how beautiful that child was – to the core.

There it is, the honest truth. I am not such a great technical photographer. I know that I couldn’t shoot a beautiful landscape image to save myself. I am not amazingly talented at Photoshop or post-production, but I am working on building those skills. I know that I can talk underwater, and usually feel confident when meeting new clients. I know that I am pretty good at working with colour. I am ok at styling too, but I could be better. Posing – well, not my strong point either, but again, working on that too.

However, I ROCK at loving and connecting with kids. There, I said it. 🙂 (And I gave myself goose bumps typing it!).

As a result of this epiphany, I have made some decisions that I think will not only benefit Love Bytes, and my family as a result, but my clients too. And those are:

1. I am no longer going to actively pursue newborn photography. The clucky side of me loves them, but I am not that great at them, and struggle creatively on newborn shoots to come up with fresh stuff that hasn’t already been done over and over. I feel that by simply redoing shots that I know work, I am not providing the best service to my clients. Each and every one of you deserve something unique and amazing. (Ironically, it was this newborn image that won me my first ever Silver Distinction at this years APPAs last month).

2. I am REALLY enjoying family shoots, which I used to loathe! I find them a challenge, but a fun one, and watch out next year’s APPAs I am going to be shooting to win! (that is the one bit of ego I will allow to be seen, and really hope I don’t end up with egg on my face for showing it!).

3. I am LOVING shooting at a much more grass roots level with the kids I am photographing of late. Less gimmicks, more emotion, more personality, MUCH more of a true connection.

4. I am now aiming to not work 18 hours per day for no profit, and instead have priced my services at industry standard, in the hope that others agree. 🙂

5. I will NOT be referring to myself with the pretentious label of “artist” or referring to my session fee as an “investment” on my website. I am ME, I will be ME, on all levels, and if my clients like it, hopefully they will spread the word. If they don’t, then lets hope they don’t have a lot of Facebook friends. 🙂

I really love the AIPP’s policy of referring to the creator of an image as the “author”. I like to think of myself like this. I only hope that I can remain true to myself in this respect and that rather than trying to “sell” images, or my business, I can be an “author” and tell the story of a child at that moment in time. To show the viewer the real connection I have made with them, and to illicit expressions that are genuinely from their heart and which illustrate the beautiful spirit that they have inside.

I expect that the look of my images may change a bit as I further develop this side of myself. I really feel that I have finally “found my groove”. There are so many beautiful kids in my part of the world, I can’t wait to share them with you. Images that aren’t beautiful because of props or clothing, but rather because of emotion, and personality, and honesty.

Btw, if you’ve managed to get this far, you may as well take the time to leave a comment and say hi so that I know I am not all alone on my little bloggity blog!

tan.x.